


Accept This

by Pomelofangirl



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, M/M, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Pre-Relationship, Yearning, long meaningful gazes, they talk but don't say things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-03-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:55:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23031289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pomelofangirl/pseuds/Pomelofangirl
Summary: After Kirk receives the news about his promotion to Admiral, he and Spock have a talk.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 11
Kudos: 55





	Accept This

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first spirk fic that I'm posting, and first one where I tried my hand at angst instead of what I normally do. Yes I did not expect to start off with angst either but sometimes that's how it be.
> 
> Many many many thanks to my dearest most wonderful beta @organicgold. Without her kind guidance this fic would be unreadable and I am eternally grateful for your time that you always take on my stories. It's thanks to her this fic is this good and impactful. Also shoutout to @altairattorney for suggesting we watch TOS that one time last summer, it's thanks to those people I'm into spirk at all.
> 
> Enjoy <3 (I mean it's angst as you might have noticed but still I hope some feelings will be had while reading this fic)

His evening of finishing up lab reports is disturbed by a chime in the door to his quarters. Spock says to come in, not lifting his gaze from the PADD but marking where he stopped just in case.

Kirk enters his quarters clearly worrying about something. He's looking around but his gaze is not lingering on anything specific, and he massages his forehead trying unsuccessfully to get his hair in a seeming order.

“Is there any way I can help you Captain?” Spock is not doing anything important, but revising experimental reports from the laboratory is oddly relaxing.

Not answering, Kirk settles in the middle of the room, looking at Spock. He's tense.

“I've been offered a promotion to Admiral, once we dock back on Earth.”

Spock stops what he's doing and looks at his Captain, but doesn't say anything. Prompted by the silence, Kirk continues, but does not look directly at Spock, pretending to be fascinated by the miscellaneous things that Spock has on his windowsill near his desk.

“For your information, I intend to accept this offer.” He tries to state this as a fact, to not show how he's been _strongly urged_ to accept it by the higher-ups, how the decision is not really _his_ to make.

“Excuse me?” If Spock were human, he would clearly be shocked, but Kirk knows better than to ascribe emotions to his friend. The last thing he wants to do is to offend him.

“I am going to say yes. So if you have any objections I'd like to hear them now.” He says it firmly, trying to invoke command into his voice, trying to not appear weak in front of Spock despite there not being anything else he'd rather do. If Spock told him to stay, he would do everything in his powers to decline the promotion, if possible.

And Spock looks at him with a look that said everything. That shows everything he'd meant to say in all those years, all this silent devotion and love. How precious Kirk was to him. It is reflecting the uncountable times Kirk looked at him with love, adoration and so much more, things he couldn't even put a name to.

He thinks all that but cannot find the words to say it out loud and so Kirk didn't hear him. Humans were a psi-null species after all so how could Kirk have known that what Spock feels for him is going this deep? That he'd like to initiate a meld to properly articulate how much he feels?

And finally, what right did he have to influence his Captain's career? They were not that close to consider a future together.

So Spock gives up. Blinked a few times to compose himself lest Jim notices that he has any feelings at all.

“If that is how you really feel about this then it is not up to me to stop you, Captain,” He says, with the tone that he used for elaborating about obvious things that Kirk had an idea of, but asked just in case, because he loved to listen to Spock's voice explaining things.

And Jim wants to take his hand in his and assure him that no, this is not what _he_ wants and accepting promotion means that they are going to be separated and he doesn't want _that_ of all things – Why should he? They are the best team in the fleet they're the best officers and he is his best friend, so what is the logic in leaving him for a mere step further in a career?

But before he gets to do that, Spock gets up from his chair and becomes even more emotionally distant, his hands in parade rest, all feelings from before vanished, hidden behind that Vulcan mask of seeming indifference. He takes a few steps further, closer to Kirk and his gaze is placed slightly above Kirk, making it obvious that the falter in his emotions from a few seconds ago, the vulnerable moment is over.

“I think the decision is up to you. You should not care for what I think.” He says this with a leveled voice, trying to keep it in control. _He_ _is_ _in control of his emotions._

“Is that so?” Kirk asks, with a last ounce of a pleading gaze for Spock to be honest with him. To solve this somehow by communication and not untold silences and longing gazes and poetry and anecdotes that somehow allude to this.

But Spock is not ready for that allusion to be made, he's not ready to really voice his feelings towards his Captain aloud yet.

“Affirmative. If your concern is for me being alone on the Enterprise then you should not worry further.”

“Why?” The question is short, but Kirk's tone is hurt: so hurt and pleading that Spock wants to almost take back his words and the ones he will now utter. But he is not distancing himself from this situation to go back on his words in a second or so.

“For I did not intend to stay here, Captain. After the five-year mission ends, I'm going back to Vulcan.” These words are said with the most matter-of-fact tone Spock could muster, as if he was making a reading of data that has no bearing on their future.

It is then Kirk's heart shatters and he is not sure he can pick up the pieces. Even if he should have expected this, after all he couldn't reasonably expect Spock to stay here, to want the same thing that he wants – them together on another mission in deep space. It was unrealistic. And perhaps he was the only one who thought that they could be something more than just best command team in the fleet.

But Spock doesn't correct him on that, he says nothing more, and Kirk leaves his quarters afterwards.

Only three weeks of the mission left. He can do it.

He has to.

**Author's Note:**

> Press F if you also died of feelings bc I sure did writing this fic.
> 
> Any kind of feedback on my stories is very appreciated~! <3


End file.
